Student Consumes Skunk in Dietary Belief - Claims it was a Gluten-Free Option
In the bustling year of 2027, a peculiar mystery has unfolded at our school. The centre of attention is a missing animal, affectionately known as the Holy Skunk.
Recently, a local skunk wrangler, Brian Saville '22, provided a survival guide for dealing with beasts on The Hill. His expertise was showcased in an article published in Eggplant. However, it seems that his knowledge may have been put to the test with the disappearance of the Holy Skunk.
The Holy Skunk has been a popular figure on campus, frequently featured in Fizz posts and Eggplant articles. But on a fateful Sunday evening, a student named Jane Doe was reported to be in a tussle with the elusive skunk.
Jane Doe, who was wearing a lobster bib and holding a fork and knife during the incident, was taken into custody and is being held without bail until her sentencing later this week. She made a bizarre statement during an interview, saying "Kimball closes at 8 pm."
In a strange turn of events, Jane Doe also claimed that Skunk was the only gluten-free option for her to eat. This assertion was met with confusion, as the Holy Skunk is, of course, a skunk and not a food item.
Skunk, the skunk in question, stated that Jane Doe seemed very hungry and took a small bite of his tail before he tried to run away. This incident has sparked concern for the safety of the Holy Skunk and has led to several threats being made against the animal.
Amidst the chaos, Piper Guiney '28 wrote a reimagining of Poe's "The Raven" titled "The Skunk". The creative piece has been well-received by the student body, offering a moment of respite from the ongoing mystery.
Mackenzie Hughes '25 was unavailable for comments regarding the Holy Skunk, but the student body continues to express concern for the missing animal and hopes for its safe return. The survival guide written by Brian Saville '22 serves as a reminder to stay vigilant during outdoor gatherings, especially during springtime.
As the investigation into the missing Holy Skunk continues, the student body eagerly awaits updates and the safe return of their beloved campus mascot. Stay tuned for more updates on this developing story.
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