The Influence of Guilt on Our Inauthentic Identities
In the realm of psychotherapy, it has been discovered that unconscious drivers of detrimental behaviors often stem from feelings of shame and fear. These emotions can lead individuals to perpetuate anxiety and exhaust themselves in an attempt to find acceptance and love.
However, holding ourselves with respect and dignity becomes increasingly important, displacing our real or imagined thoughts about how we're being perceived by others. As we come to recognize when shame is operating and how it holds us back, it begins to loosen its destructive grip over us.
The term "fabricated self" is used to describe the false self, a concept explored in the book The Authentic Heart. The act of being an authentic person can sometimes be challenging due to the development of this false self, aimed at looking good, pleasing others, and avoiding embarrassment.
Life can become serious business due to the internalization of the message that there's no room to be our authentic self. The most common causes for difficulties in being authentic and congruent in life and relationships, as recognized in psychotherapy over the past 40 years, include early attachment disorders, traumatic experiences, and dysfunctional parental roles such as parentification. These factors interact in complex ways that affect self-awareness, emotional connection, and behavioral congruence.
Bringing attention to the subtle ways that shame shows up is often the first step toward living a more authentic and satisfying life. Our sense of self-worth can only grow in a climate of affirming who we are, which includes validating the full range of our feelings and honoring our needs, wants, and human foibles.
Gradually, we can honor and stand behind ourselves, regardless of how others might judge us. Authenticity with oneself and others forms the basis for genuine intimacy and deep, satisfying connections. Being authentic is a process of mindfully noticing the ever-changing flow of experiencing inside us, apart from the contaminating influences of shame and our inner critic.
We give ourselves full permission to notice what we're feeling, sensing, and thinking in this moment of time - and we're willing to congruently show that when it feels right to do so. Shame, a gnawing sense of being flawed, defective, and unworthy of love, often drives the construction of a self that is acceptable to others.
Carl Rogers, a famous psychologist, advocated for living a congruent life, meaning that what one expresses is in harmony with what one feels inside. Being congruent involves emotional honesty and genuine expression, creating a foundation for authenticity with others.
Individuals may attempt to showcase their cleverness, beauty, sense of humor, wealth, power, or "success" in order to be accepted and feel safe. However, it's important to remember that we have no control over what others think about us.
Shame recedes by flashing the healing light of mindfulness upon it and working with it skillfully. Embracing our authentic self is not only freeing but also empowering, leading us to discover how truly fulfilling it is to live a life that aligns with our true selves.
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